chicagodads

Just coming back from hiking in the Everglades and hunting some game (irrelevant that there is no game in the mountains! Don’t make me come after you, too!). Now, while the wife is salting and the child is prepping the side vittles, I thought it might be appropriate to speak of how you too can escape the wimpish, effeminate, lazy-hands, lisping and otherwise sissy ways of your so-called manhood. Because we need to take the Wo- out of your identity and put it in your vocabulary! Just like Keanu Reeves!

First, whatever you are doing right now, stop it. Put everything down - right now! - and drop-kick somebody! It doesn’t matter who. If your family member or friend questions why you kicked them in the gut, you tell them that you are reclaiming your masculinity, just like Edward Norton did in Fight Club. If your wife or your kids or friends love you, they’ll understand and their stomachs will forgive you for that. If a complete stranger asks you why you kicked them, or gets a cop, run away. You don’t have to explain yourself to them, you’re a new Man. A new Man who has yet to build his stamina enough to give several drop-kicks simultaneously, but a new Man nonetheless.

Second, dig out your old loincloth from the back of your closet. If you don’t have a loincloth, get one from the Martha Stewart collection at your local KMart. You may be able to take your tattered short-jorts - or, even better, your wife’s tattered short-jorts (aka, Daisy Dukes) - and cut tatters in through the bottom with a pair of scissors. Or, even better, with your teeth clenching a butcher’s knife. With this simple wardrobe, you are now ready to live in the forest for weeks on end and subdue grizzlies armed with only your wits and an apple slicer.

Kiss the wife and kids goodbye. You’ll see them again after you found your balls.

Probably laying around on the forest floor and in need of medical attention.

Stay tuned for more ways to Reclaim Your MANsculinity!

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