Jul 11 2008
What Not to Say: Vol. 1
For the uninitiated, I wish that someone had told me these things before I became a father. Some things I had said, some I had never thought about but heard others say; some are merely echoes from the grave of some poor sap dad who never saw that kettle coming for the back of his skull.
This, fathers, is your guidelines for life. This is, “What Not to Say.”
“I’m baby-sitting my kids.”
Ok, I admit I made this mistake. I don’t think I even said it to my wife. But it made perfect logical sense to me and I never really considered it before. But let me tell you, in case you don’t know, why it was so clearly wrong: Because. It. Was. My. Child.
Not a stranger’s. Not a friend’s. Not for money or even as a favor (and Lord help me if I thought of it as a favor to be repaid).
I was home with my daughter, who I am responsible for, while her mother - who happens to be my wife - was away at an event.
Fortunately, I was able to totally raid the fridge.
“We’re pregnant.”
No, stupid. No.
Are “we” staying up all hours of the night because our entire anatomy is shifting? Are “we” vomiting on a regular basis on “our” way to work? Are “we” gaining 30 pounds (13 kilos) steadily over the course of eight months no matter how much “we” exercise? Are “we” being extra careful about “our” diet. Is a human being literally developing in “our” womb? Do “we” even have a “womb”?
“We” may be expecting. “We” are not pregnant.
Not yet, at least.
