Mar 25 2009
It’s a beautiful day to be a nosy neighbor
I read this comment from a neighborhood . listserv this morning and it really got my head spinning:
Like the male (adult) black who lives at [omitted] and tells the 8 year old kid, “Shut the [omitted] up, mother [omitted]”
Now, of course, part of the reason my head is spinning is because the guy used it as an excuse to take a cheap shot at affordable housing and anyone connected with affordable housing (ie, low-income families and those who would fight for them - which the poster after him took to even further extremes). Another reson my head was (is) spinning is because I’m coming down with something. But, it did cause me to pause and ask, “When is it okay for neighbors to directly interfere with a parent-child relationship?” (Assuming that the child is his in one aspect or another.)
And no one can tell me that that type of language isn’t abuse (although people have told me that, I know better because I’ve seen the psychological ramifications years down the line). Yet I know that there is no way I would be able to just come by and tell this punk to not treat his girl in that manner. Not without knowing him. But even still, somebody should say and do something, right? Are our communities so broken down that we do not have a say in each other’s lives, that we cannot speak out for the protection of children? Or is this just a line of busy-bodiness (which it was with the writer of the post)? After all, aren’t there worse things to worry about than words said to a kid?
Such as this story where a (to quote the title from the blog “What About Our Daughters”), “1 Year-Old Liliana Goodman Beaten to Death by Mama’s “Boyfriend” for Being “Disrespectful” While Others Watch.” She was beaten for four hours! And there were others in the house! It wasn’t until late on in the beating that the mother stepped in.
Later I want to ask when is it right or necessary for the state to step in and do a parent’s job (or deem a parent’s job?). But for now, I do want to ask, when do neighbors step in? Upon threat of violence? When a parent spanks a child? When a parent smacks a child (even behind closed doors)? When there are whispers of violence? What are the guidelines, the boundaries, and whose boundaries do we abide by? (For instance, I have a lot of friends who lightly spank. As do we on ocassion - though I hate to admit it; I’d rather we didn’t. But then others say that a tap or a spank is always wrong.)
What do you think?
When to step in is quite a tough question. It’s even tougher for me because I’m just a 22 year old without any kids, so I often assume I’ll get a “What would you know?” response.
I don’t think you should intervene just because a parent gives a kid a spanking on occasion. I was spanked when I was younger and I have a great relationship with my parents and don’t think it did psychological harm. However, my parents always made sure they explained to me afterwards what I did wrong and why I got the spanking. Also, the spanking was never the first attempt to get me to stop misbehaving. I think those two points are very important. Just spanking at the drop of a hat is not ok in my book.
As they say, it takes a village, but you ask a good question. When does the village step in?
Talk about a hell of a grey area.
Clearly, if someone’s safety is at risk, then I believe we have a social responsibility to do something about it. But even them, we interpret that differently. One could argue that the safety of the little girl in your example is in question, because who knows what a spouting angry man might do?
With my experience working with child welfare, I have often wondered this myself. How bad does it have to get? At what point do they intervene? Is is a magic formula, or just a feeling?