chicagodads

…In comparison to children-less couples. That is, according to at least this study-backed essay published in the British Psychologist Society’s The Psychologist. (h/t the Motherlode)

This may or may not be a shock. After all, we parents love our children. And we like to think that they bring us much joy. My daughter’s name means “Joyous.” But there is so much stress, worry and sadness associated with having children that the net result of happiness from having children (even in the long-run) is, at best, zero.

Yet, we continue to have children. And we continue to be overswept with joy for friends who announce their pregnancies. We have baby showers and lavish expectant parents with well-wishes and can’t wait to see (and maybe hold) the “little bundle of joy.”

As a further measure of paradox, we tend to wait til our “summer” seasons (our 30’s) - when we’ve passed our physical peaks - to have most of our children. We do this because we feel that our houses are not in order yet, that at the tender age of 20, 24, 28 we have not yet had our fill of the world, or certainly not filled into the world - our die has not yet been cast. And we wait until we are important people. Important and worldly enough to be able to hire nannies so that we can continue to work at our high-paying jobs so that we can continue to afford to buy the most lavish, happiness-providing toys that wealth can provide.

And I wonder if we’re not missing the point. I wonder if we think that we’re supposed to be pursuing happiness because that’s what’s in the DNA of our country, but not always the DNA of our DNA.

Does my daughter give me much happiness? Yes. Absolutely. I often grin from ear-to-ear just thinking about her, watching her hand reach out to stroke trees or laugh gleefully when I or Jennie somewhat surprise her in a riled-up game of peekaboo. Does she also cause stress, consternation, dread, worry, ear- and head-aches? I can barely hear out of my right ear now because she did a Spinal Tap-esque 11 in it yesterday for the simple reason that her playgroup was over.  The costs. The pangs of childbirth. The extra pounds. The extra time it takes to do simple tasks. Finding childcare. Destruction of property.

So why, besides self-destructive tendencies, have children?

It may not be about happiness in the first place. Rather, I believe that something deep within us calls us to spread, calls us to sacrifice, to give of ourselves, to expand our horizons and embrace that which could very well hurt us. It was love that caused my wife and I to look each other in the eye and say, I want to share life and meaning with you. It was love that caused us to say, let’s have a child together who will be a constant reminder of each other and our love for each other. I can’t help but be reminded of my love for my wife everytime I look into Jocelyn’s big eyes, or her thin curls, even her furrowed brow.

It’s love that calls us to be parents. And it’s love that gives us the strength to continue in this direction.